What happens when I open a word document at 3 a.m.

So, it took me forever to remember my password for this, and 2 e-mail accounts to reset it, but here's what's been on my mind lately. Forgive the typos, please. I wrote it quickly and late at night. Out of respect and courtesy, I will edit it at a later time.

It’s always been my goal to emotionally connect to or understand to my fullest potential every song that I perform. Lately, and frankly, I’ve betrayed that sense of purpose. I hurry my understanding, and miss out on the real subtleties that people have added to their music. The texture. The heart. The sheer fact that…these people felt something strongly enough to put it down on paper…and then find the melody in their heart to track onto a machine, et cetera, and here we are with it.

I want to write music that I love. Songs that I can look at and say “that fulfilled its purpose” even if it’s an older song that I may not agree with the attitude anymore; at that time, it fulfilled its purpose. There’s still a chance, too, that someone will still connect with it. Connections.

I want to make connections with people. I don’t want them to care whether I smoke or not…or honestly, what my favorite movie is because even I’m not too sure anymore.

I have a desire to stand up and sing about something that I KNOW you’ve been through before or a story you’ll enjoy hearing. I want to get it all out on stage, while you get it all out with me. I want to make something that makes you dance, that pops up into conversation, that makes you cry, that you put on mix tapes to your friends.

And not because the fame is important. It’s really not. I want it because I need it just as much as you do.

I have these special, amazing talents that God has given me, and I can say that because He is special and amazing and such a huge part of my life even when I forget about him. I cannot let these gifts go to waste. I cannot.

When I was born, my grandmother said that my “long” fingers were made to play the piano. Pretty sure my hands are smaller than even some of my girl friends.

Whatever my hands touch. I want to be straight from me. I don’t want to be anyone else. Any cover I ever play will have my own spin on it because I believe each person has their own interpretation and understanding of life; therefore, my music will be different than others’.

I’ve been singing this one song forever. It’s a favorite, but for the past few years I’ve knocked it out of the set list because I always play it, it’s cliché, the chords are too easy, the key’s too low. If it’s a favorite, put it out there. Give it meaning. It doesn’t have to be perfect. Trust me from experience and tips from others…if you mess up a chord…no one’s gonna notice. And if someone does, God Bless America there are other kids out there who understand music, how it works, and how humans are not perfect. We’re learning constantly.

Upon reflection of my current state of mind that is neither New York or Missouri

People are disappointing.

There, I said it.

Take it from me; a very privileged, middle-class, full-ride scholarship, talented, beautiful, promising, young American woman. People are disappointing....

We, as humans, let others define who we are, how we feel, and what we do,
but when those "others" disappoint, where do we turn? In whom can we trust?

I have found lately that the only One I can fully trust is God.
He is the only person who will listen to you at that very moment, knows exactly when to respond, and somehow, in the end, will bring such joy to your life that you end up forgetting those disappointing things. Perhaps I’ve already used that word too much? Here are some synonyms:

Poor
Below-par
Unsatisfactory
Substandard
Unacceptable
Second-rate
Not up to scratch
Inadequate

…and those are just the words provided by my application software. Regardless of what word you decide on, the emotion is still the same. You are always left wanting.

Donald Miller, author of Blue Like Jazz, mentions in his book Searching For God Knows What that we as a world have been left wanting since that first apple was devoured. This I can believe is true. Even as babies we seem dissatisfied with leaving the womb. Imagine for a moment that up until then, your soul was part of heaven and you had to come down to live with these dolts of a human race; with their inadequate bodies, substandard morals, poor spirits, and inadequate ideas. Makes me think back to those Baby Genius movies.

What's the worse part? You become a disappointment to yourself.

I guess I could give you a few examples:

You are attracted someone special, and realize that they do not, in fact, want or wish to return those feelings. It’s a bitter season. Words come out of your mouth that you would have never dreamed of saying before. You soon realize their faults, and every tiny screw up makes you dislike them to no end. Jealousy and heartache rule your life. Not only are they a disappointment to you, but you’ve become a disappointment to yourself.

Unrequited love stings.

Say you have a wonderful trip planned for the summer. You have studied the culture, the people, the language, and have even hosted parties entertaining the local cuisine. Then, the rug is pulled out from under your feet. Flights get cancelled, trips are postponed to the point that you can no longer attend, your job somehow changed your vacation times. You are either left standing amongst the ruins of your fantasy vacation or lying on the ground wondering what happened, and who exactly is responsible for sabotaging your blessed voyage.

You can’t always get what you want.

Ordering new appliances can be like asking a cat for a back scratch. My mother and father had been using the same washer and dryer for over 15 years before they decided to buy replacements. Apparently, everyone else in town made the decision to become new appliance owners, too. It's been two months since they placed their order, unfortunately, and since then my blessing of a grandmother has taken to doing the laundry. Consumerism disappoints.

Perhaps disappointing times have bestowed themselves upon you and you desperately need someone to talk to. So, you call/text/hit them up for a chat and say (untruthfully) that your feelings will not be hurt if they say “no”.

Well, you know the rest....

You buy a book people say you will love. It bores you to death.

Your favorite TV show is on, but it's a rerun.

It's time to get a soda pop from the machines downstairs and...yep, they're all out. The only thing left is expired juice and water.

Some people ask you to join a band, and you're excited to have new buddies to jam with. Only, they are all beginners, and you've been playing for years.

You've applied to two different jobs. One, your dream career, and the other a plan-B restaurant gig. And, guess what?

These examples and more are prime incidents where disappointment lingers.

But there is hope, and let me tell you: Somehow we all turn out for the better. God never gives us more than we can handle, but likes to place obstacles in our way so that we come back to Him, and...build character.

You've heard your teachers wail on and on about it for years, but character carries weight, and character weight is more muscle than fat.

According to my dictionary (the one of MacBook sorts) character is first defined as:

"the mental and moral qualities distinctive to an individual"

Allow me to break this down; mentally, are all affected by what goes on around us and what we think of those happenings. Morally, we make decisions and act upon those thoughts and gut feelings. And here comes an amazing section "qualities distinctive to an individual".

The crying, angry, helpless puddles we are after all is said and done eventually rise up to be better people. Even more, people who are better and different. All of our struggles are unique and help to shape our lives and selves into the people we are today. Who you are at this very moment will be a mere, warm phantom come next week. Things will happen, change, stir us up and what naturally happens then? We share.

If there’s anything I’ve taken from the many disappointments in my life, it’s that there are better things out there waiting to satisfy our souls. And I’m not just talking about Heaven, though, that is the main joy to look forward to. No, I also want to include those friends who do listen and pray for you in times of need. They will encourage you and uplift your heart as they also inspire you to do the same. Included, too, are those special, enthralling adventures in life that happen unexpectedly, and the eventual appearance of someone who returns the deep love you have for them. I cannot say much about consumerism and the corporate world. I’m sure when your late or back-ordered item arrives, it will be a day of relief, but it’s difficult to face a world where things break so easily, and demand immediately that all people should never intend to completely fix problems, but openly agree that none of our wildest dreams can be met with money or any blood other than Jesus'.

If you found this blog substandard, please realize that I am human, and it is essentially in our fallen nature to disappoint.

There are so many more words,
Candice Rose
@madpoetry

You could have knocked me out with a feeling....

Chaps and Chicks,

I have to work off a bit of my friend Tyler’s blog (@thillsman) to begin this post:  Music.  ((Hindsight review: …begin?  That’s all this post is about!))

Music is one of the most important things in my life.  I appreciate it, I play it, I write it, I feel from it and I feel for it, I yearn for old and new, I connect, I investigate, I learn, and lastly, I surprisingly discover new things about it and myself each day.

It’s fascinating to see what types of music show up in your life and when and where.  During an almost car wreck: Dishwalla – Counting Blue Cars, Waking up from surgery, If Everyone Cared – Nickelback, was stuck in my head, Every day I learn a new lyric by Fall Out Boy that I passed over because I couldn’t understand the meaning or even the words. ...A song that not only connects you to one tremendous experience, but countless others….  Music has a power over us that not many can beat.  That’s why I cherish it, every tune I hear.  I once fell asleep to an Ozarks Public Television presentation of How Music Affects Us.  It’s interesting to know that, in some cultures, there are more notes between C and C# than what we as Westerners perceive.

Anyway, I guess what I have trouble with sometimes is not only enjoying quality, but creativity.  I’m having trouble listening to a band’s new CD right now…and it’s mostly because of my own morals.  The music is great, the invention, the sound, well, most of it, but I can’t get over its constant mentioning of partying and getting totally blasted and maybe or maybe not hooking up.  As a 20-year-old, I guess I’m already a bit past that.  I’m really disappointed, because I loved their previous album, and I tremendously appreciate them taking the world’s advice and going in new and different directions.  I’m just not sure if I’ll be going with them.  They've really taken a step back in my opinion.  I have to say…this album sucks.  Some days I want to pack it up and send it to a friend whom I know will enjoy it.  Not as an insult, but to just get rid of it.  Get it off my desk, sitting there, flipping me off.  You win some, you lose some, I guess.

Then there’s another band that just seems to get it right with me almost every time.  They’re the one group who I defer to when all else fails.  The lyrics are ironic, but I see my life as ironic, and the stories unfold from there.  I feel like I’ve experienced a bit of what they have on both the physical and emotional level.  I’ve liked them since 2005.  Fall Out Boy.  I can’t say I’m a die hard fan, but when it comes to their music, I’ll happily listen when I’m 100-years-old, if I ever make it.

It started with the Sugar We’re Going Down video.  A couple of friends and I had just watched School of Rock at the theatres and decided to form a band.  MTV and VH1 still played a bit of music back then, and Fall Out Boy was one of our main influences.  We never played a single one of their songs, just as we did with my friend’s obsession with Van Halen, but you can bet her bass looked like Eddie’s and I was a different member of FOB every week.  I remember trying to swing her bass around my neck and almost shoving it through her family’s dropped ceiling.  We were rockstars, lying in the middle of the floor playing the first 10 songs of From Under the Cork Tree on repeat.  Those years were weird…just like my love life.  It’s almost like I’ve grown up with them, though they’re older.  Folie A Deux is more mature, and though electronic effects heavy…still holds a place in my heart as “That One CD that never leaves the car player”.  I know almost all the words.  It haunts me, it lifts me up.  That’s what music is supposed to do.  The Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist soundtrack does almost the same.  Each song just seems…perfect.  There are tons of songs that do this to me, and I get almost obsessed with them, and Lord knows, I'll ultimate-guitar.com them and see if I can play the tune.

So the next time one of your friends is obsessed with a band, don’t write them off as stupid, lame and/or too trendy at first, be patient, and give them time…they may just really connect with that band and have something meaningful to say.

 Let's hear it, oh, let's hear it,

Suiteheart.

I love you, but you're killing me.

Hey bloggers, tweeters, browsers, and cheaters,

My name is Candice.  I am not the best at keeping up with blogs, but I always try to add enough substance to a post to make it worthwhile.  You can keep up with me by bookmarking the site thatinbetweenage.blogspot.com 

Every time I lay my head down to sleep, that particular Candice of the day dies off and is replaced by a new one containing merely a few shadows of past experience and thought.  Oh, yeah, by the way.  I'm a writer.  The worst kind, too.  I'll think about writing for days, but never get around to it.  I'll walk around with an idea for a song/story in my head for hours on end and either take the time to write it down or lose it.

I work with kids.  It is probably one of the most fun jobs on this planet to take care of mini-people.  They have their own thoughts, ideas, opinions, pasts, troubles, dispositions, personalities, and best of all, appetites.  My boys could put away a full-course meal in mere minutes.  I'll write about them every once in a while, but for their own safety, and by my own choice, their information or names will not be revealed.  Thanks for understanding.

I'm going to college and majoring in Theatre Education, hoping to move to Chicago in a few years and take over the world.  Just kidding, all I really want to do is write, but in this economy, I figure a teaching job in something I extremely enjoy is much more safe than a creative writing degree and nothing more.  I have nothing against you bohemians...I would love to be one myself, but until I know how it feels to have my feet under me, I'm going to stay on this track. 

God is a huge part of my life.  I was raised Methodist and keep a lot of their beliefs and creeds in my current life.  By His grace, I have survived a four-wheeler wreck that fractured my right cheek in three places, and had an *almost* car wreck all before I turned 21.  There is no explaining how I safely escaped these things, but each one has made me a better person and somehow already helped me help a few people.

I believe that one of the most powerful things we as humans have are our experiences.  They date back to before oral tradition and are unique to each and every person, even in communist-run countries.  There can be no way that all people can be the same.  Experiences are there to help others, to attribute credit in our arguments and advice, as well as form and shape the person who we are today.

This is me.

You'll find out more later.

Now, on to a little bit of what this blog is really going to be like:

These past few weeks have been insightfully frustrating and weak.  I've been attempting change in as many ways I can think of.  I'm starting to do sit-ups.  I'm starting to be more positive at work.  I'm trying, and failing, to remove some bad habits from my life.  I'm working at being a better team player, and finally, trying to stop "trying too hard".  

Enough of that, I'm just convinced now that there's some type of other change happening inside of me that I'm unaware of.  It's odd to say, but I trust God and what he's doing....

Sitting atop the playground at work today, I thought of a story that I may try to put to cyber-paper.  It sprung from the aching need to play with every single one of my kids, to see who the real bullies are, to be a real friend to my sweethearts, and just plain be a kid again.

I'll update more, soon.  Going on a family vacation in two weeks.  I hardly ever get some friend to go with me...so, I'm really trying to pray for a companion who understands my crazy this year.  Besides, who knows how many more of these I'm going on?

I'll touch on loneliness and contemplating "free time" later.  Until then, happy days!

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Listening to:  Don't Trust Me - 3OH!3, Bittersweet Symphony - Ace Enders and a Million Different People, Break Out! Break Out! - All Time Low, The Haunting - Anberlin, XO - Fall Out Boy

It's about time we started something here, isn't it?

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Yes.